Princess Tess and Prince Zander Help the Peepers

One day, Princess Tess and Prince Zander went outside into the garden.  They were supposed to be cleaning up but instead they were making wishes.  Well, Princess Tess was actually making the wishes.  Prince Zander was watching.  His job, the way he saw it, was to catch the wishes before they got away.

Princess Tess said "Stop popping my wishes!  They aren't for you!"

Prince Zander said "Who are they for?"

Princess Tess said "Well, the peepers having been complaining a lot about their pond.  It's been shrinking because there isn't hasn't been a lot of rain lately."

Prince Zander said "You're wishing for rain!  You're not supposed to do that.  You know your mom told you no weather wishes."

Princess Tess, who had in fact been wishing for rain, quickly sucked back her breath, choked on a half-formed bit of desire and stuck her magic wand back in the wishing solution.  "I would"-cough-"never do that!"

"Then what are you wishing for?"

"Well,"  Princess Tess blew another stream of wishes and thought hard, "I'm wishing for....um....water fairies.  Yep.  That's it.  Water fairies."

"Aren't they the same as water sprites?  'Cause if they are, you can't wish them either.  My mom told you no mythological creature conjures.  And water sprites are so vain, they'll never be bothered to save frogs!"

"Where did you learn a word like mythological?  You can't even spell your own name."

Prince Zander looked smug.  "I can make wishes too."

"Uh huh.  Or maybe you've been playing on spellkids.org when you're supposed to be in bed."

"You better not tell!"

"Oh keep your crown on.  I'm not going to tell anybody anything and neither are you."

"As long as you don't get us in trouble."

Princess Tess and Prince Zander shook on it.

"So how are you going to get the water fairies to help the peepers without conjuring?"

Princess Tess stirred and stirred and stirred and stirred some more.  Finally she said, "Well, the peepers need water.  We can't make it rain and we can't conjure a water fairy, but we can make the frogs' home someplace a water fairy come to see, and bring a bit of water for the privilege.  Here's what we're going to do."

Sometime later, Grandma came outside to tell Princess Tess and Prince Zander it was time to come in for dinner.

What she saw made her stop.  "Oh my!" she said.

"Grandma!  Grandma!"  Prince Zander came running over.  "We're saving the peepers!  We're saving the peepers!"

Grandma looked from the full pond to the line of water fairies fluttering in line in front of a shimmering booth.  The line snaked around the entire garden and off into the treeline.  Each sprite was carrying what appeared to be a thimbleful of water.

Princess Tess stood in front of the line.  As each fairy approached, she carefully took the thimble of water and poured it into white tube leading to the center of the pond.  Behind her head, Grandma could see Princess Tess had set her bubble machine on automatic.  It was pumping thousands of wishes into the air and as far as Grandma could tell each wish was the same as the sign on the booth.

"What do you think of my plan, Grandma"  Princess Tessa asked.

The sign on the booth read "Latest!  Greatest!  One day only SALE!  Straight from the Orient!  New treatment guaranteed to enhance your natural beauty!"

Grandma watched the latest fairy, a tiny perfect creature with silver green wings pay her thimble of water and flit to the center of the booth where an equally tiny frog waited on a red velvet pillow.  Ever so gently, the fairy kissed the frog right between the eyes then quick as a wink darted to the right where a jewelled mirror hung.

"Did it work!  Am I more beautiful than ever?" the fairy asked.  

"Indeed," sang the mirror.  "You are the most beautiful you that has ever been."

"Well," sighed Grandma.  "It looks like your plan worked but did you have to give my best pillow to the frog?"

Wanna Buy a Chicken?

Come to Auburn Road.  We've got it all here.

We've got ancient rivalries....the dogs are going to get the cats one day and there won't be a peacekeeper here to stop it.  I could build a wall but the cats would just jump on top and strut around until the dogs bark themselves into a coma.  And yesterday, I think the one of the adversaries made a first strike against the fish.  The lid was off his tank and the water level appeared lower.  Consuming another creature's habitat seems vaguely depraved.

We've got black holes that open to another universe....Those socks have to be winding up somewhere.  Mysterious notebooks appear that no one remembers buying. Shreds of things litter the living room floor that I can't for the life of me virtually reconstruct into anything I recognize.  And where has the cat been hiding.  Probably the Delta Quadrant.  

We've got the secret of the universe....Forget 42, that's yesterday's secret...from yet another galaxy far far away.  Today's secret is the total amount of effort it's going to take to combine (once again) Sarah's household with mine.  Oddly enough, this effort seems to require a significant reduction in gross weight of goods belonging to me and Stewart.

We've got the world's first diagnosed (self-diagnosed, that is) allergy to public schools.  This allergy so afflicted Tess the other day she had to come home.  As proof, Tess offered her near miraculous recovery when she got home.  I thought perhaps it was all due to eye strain from too much Club Penguin. 

We've got a dog nest.  Every night when Stewart and I go to bed, Ricky and Lucy grudgingly allow us mattress space.  That's about the time we kick them off the bed and tell them to rethink their place on the food chain.  That's about the time the cat waltzes past and the race is on!

We've got challenged plumbing and overworked wiring, windows that leak heat and blur light, a flag pole that doubles as an antenna, a back patio masquerading as a kennel, carpet in the garage and a bust of Big George in the basement.  One freezer is full of dog bones and another is full of winter squash (don't ask).  The fridge freezer is mostly empty, just a few loose bags of potstickers and some frozen ice things beloved by Stewart and Tess.  

I came home two days ago to random containers filled with what appeared to be dog food scattered around the kitchen.  There was a pot of it on the stove, a cup of it in the sink and a bowl (a big yellow bowl) of the stuff on the counter.  It's all gone now.  I don't think anyone cleaned the kitchen.....it's just gone.

So if you wanna buy a chicken, your best bet is the grocery store, but if you want anything else, come on over to West Auburn Road.

Royalty

Top 10 Reasons Kids Should Rule the Universe

1. They are absolutely unassailed by doubt.  When asked who was going to win the game, Zander replied "I am."
   
2. They make up their own rules.  Look at the bottom of the board and note the almost three full rows.  This, according to Zander, is multiple iterations of the word 'Neutron.'
   
3. They have the luck.  Zander got both blank tiles.
4. They know what's important.  Zander always lets his mother win.
5. They are willing to look at the world from a different perspective...and someone is always available to help.
   
6. Their toys are more fun than ours.  Who wouldn't love a cute little handknit beret! And don't send me any comments about the hat being for a newborn and the dog belonging to Tess.  Work with me here.
   
7. Their clothes are more fun too.
   
   
8. Everything is simple.  "I want it," pretty much sums it up.  Of course, now that I think about it, there are a lot of adults who embrace this one.
9. They have a tax plan.  Every time you go out, they want you to bring back a treat.
10. And the last (and most important) reason kids should rule the universe....They already do.
    
    

Magic and Beans

I've always felt bad for Jack.  Here's a kid in a one parent home out working when he should have been in school.  Dad's out of the picture.  Probably found a new Mrs. Jack's Dad (and a new Jack too).  And what's up with Jack's Mom?  Why is Jack out working?  If the cow is the difference between living and dying, shouldn't it be Jack's Mom's job to take care of it while Jack stays home and stirs the 'er bean soup?

Okay, obviously Jack's parents violated the parent/child contract.  Which is how poor Jack winds up charged with selling the cow and bringing Mom the cash.  Don't you find that suspicious?  I do.  What was Jack's Mom going to do with the money?  Buy drugs?  Gamble?  Surf eBay?

It's no wonder Jack turns to a life of crime.  Don't even try to sell me the bean story.  First of all Jack didn't the trade the cow for beans.  He was probably waylaid by his Mom's bookie who took the cow as payment.  If any beans changed hands at all it was probably because the bookie gave Jack 5 beans to represent the number of days his Mom had left before the cow would be pushing up daisies.  It certainly makes more sense than Jack, a wily under nourished streetwise kid, being taken in by some pervert who would steal a kid's last cow.

So we're agreed, right?  Beans or no beans, the beanstalk is just a metaphor for Jack's fall from moral grace.  Instead of working hard to learn an honest trade, Jack starts robbing houses.  Just little things at first...apples from the orchard, a bike left in the yard, a magic chicken who can recite Hamlet's soliloquy....but then one day, Jack gets bold.  He crosses the line from petty theft to breaking and entering.  

He is so clever, that Jack.  Now, I am no longer feeling that sorry for him.  There are lines that should not be crossed.  And breaking into people's homes is one of them.  Enter the giant's wife.  Let's call her Drusilla.  Dru is bored.  Her husband, the local crime boss, isn't home all that much.  She's got no friends and no one to talk to except the maid whom she suspects is sleeping with her husband.  If she had proof, she'd...what?  Divorce him?  I don't think so.  One word.  Prenup.  So when she walks into the bedroom and finds our little sneak thief jack rifling through the drawers, does she yell?  Does she call 911?  Does she even run?  Nope.  She smiles, licks her lips and crooks her finger.  

An hour or so later, Dru's hard working crime boss of a husband comes home.  The second he enters he is suspicious.  Why?  In the story he smells Jack.  Right.  More likely he found his wife in bed in the middle of the afternoon for no good reason and smelled Jack alright.  

Jack escapes of course.  And with some cash to boot.  This is way better than lifting skateboards rich kids can't bother to put in the garage.  So what does Jack do next?  Why he goes right back there.  He and Dru have lots more fun and this time Jack pinches some credit cards before exiting stage bedroom window.  

Third time's a charm though.  This time, it isn't Dru's husband who catches our lovebirds and threatens to spill the -er beans.  It's the maid.  Remember the maid?  Yep.  Thursday's her day off so Jack and Dru spill out of the bedroom and on to the living room bear rug, the dining table, the kitchen floor.  That's about where the maid finds them.  She's earning her own little bit of cash.  All she needs is one good photo and wife number 3 is out the door just in time for maid number 6 to become wife number 4.  If only she had turned off the auto flash, she might have gotten clean away.  But she didn't so she didn't.  Jack caught her and, in the way of 'if it can go wrong, it will go wrong', he barely had her tied up when the big man came home.  

Jack ran for the kitchen door but it was a bit tricky with a struggling maid and no shoes.  Plus the bitch kept shrieking and shrieking.  The giant crashed through the kitchen door wagging a big gun.  Jack threw the maid in his general direction just in time for her to catch a bullet.  Jack ran out the back door and around the side, tripping over the woodpile, scrabbling to regain his feet.  He was truly frantic.  What was he going to do!  He had bare moments before he got caught and he knew what would happen if he got caught.  If the giant had smelled him, he could feel the hot stink of the giant rolling out to fill the world.  This time it was going to be bad, real bad.  His hand touched something smooth, straight, wooden.  An axe.

Right.  Wrong.  Rich.  Poor.  Choices made and fates met.  And in the lie we read as children it was all because of the magic in the beans.  Sure.

Making Brownies

I'm trying to get past the bad zen and back into the groove of just letting the words happen.  It should be simple, right?  It used to be.  Brownies are simple too.  Just chocolate, butter, sugar, eggs and flour.  There might be a little salt too.  I'd have to check to be certain.  Still, if you want try your hand at baking, brownies are as easy as it gets.  Tess and Zander aren't having any trouble.

This weekend has been simple too.  Lots of shifting and (more!) shredding.  In the great push to ready my two unoccupied bedroom for occupancy, I found yet another paper stash chock full of offers for credit cards (those were the days, right?) and bank statements and bills.  It took me the entire run of my On Demand stash to reduce all of that paper to little curls and shreds....let's pause for a moment to thank Sarah and Jesse for hauling it all to the school's recycling bin....moving on....Admidst the tree carcasses I did manage to find a few gems.  I found 2 of my Lakeshore High School report cards.  I also found 2 books of stamps, one was dollar stamps and the other was 37cent Love stamps.  My best find was a rough draft of Princess Tessa and the Mysterious Missing Frog.  It starts like this...

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Tessa .  Tessa had a magical frog named Buttercup that the Desk Fairy had given her.  Tessa loved Buttercup and Buttercup loved Tessa.  The only problem was Buttercup would sometimes disappear for a very long time.

I am sure you would like to read more about Tessa and Buttercup.  I know I would.  I should really finish that story.  Tess and I worked the start out together.  Tessa decides to ask the Desk Fairy how to find Buttercup.  The thing is Tess has to find the Desk Fairy.  She has to look in all of the mysterious places in her house.  When I was little there were lots of mysterious places in my house....under the bed, in the back of the corner cabinet, behind the furnace.  It only seems natural that Tess would find the Desk Fairy in one of those places.  But she doesn't.  Turns out the DF likes light and warm breezy air stirred by a southern wind.  Not what you generally find in Michigan.  But most fairies will stop by for a visit on the promise of warm chocolate brownies and cold milk. 

Do you think that's what Tess and Zander are doing?  Making brownies for the Desk Fairy?  I'll just bet they are.  And when she shows up, Tess will sit down with her and share a cup of panzy tea and the two of them will work out together just how to save Buttercup from a great calamity.

Zander, it seems, is not actually part of this quest.  He has gone in search of a desperately hungry Darcy the dragon.  

Technical Notes:  In the grand scheme of blogging this post would be peppered with links.  Links to a scan of my report card, to the .pdf of Tess's story and the .pdf of Zander's.  Sadly my scanner is currently refusing to perform this function and Tess's story isn't finished and Zander's story is stuck on another drive.  I need my own Desk Fairy.  I am sure she'll show up.  After all, where do you think Tess and Zander got the recipe?