Falling in Love

....All Over Again

Since no one (and you know who you are) answered their phones this morning, I spent some time thinking about you.  I confess I don't remember things in sharp detail.  I can't tell you when Noah ate the Sudafed or Sarah drew on the wall or Carol boiled the fish.  I know those things happened.  If I had a calculator and a calendar and a day or two, I might be able to narrow it down to the year but that's as far as it goes.  And don't even ask if your dad had a beard at the time or the name of my favorite show.  That is all lost, discarded along the way, wrappers tossed in the the trash at some gas station in Kentucky.

What I do remember is how I felt about you.  Not the oft proclaimed parental maunderings of pride or frustration or fear.  I had those feelings but they were not about you.  All of that was just a reflection of me that I tacked your face to.  

There is a point in every relationship when the other side of the equation comes into focus, when you see the person as they are without your hopes, without your prayers, without your if onlys.  It's not always easy to catch that moment.  Be patient.  Pay attention.  It will come quietly, a flicker of true light at the edge of the horizon, just beyond the crowds and noise and smoke and mirrors.  

I remember you by this light, as you were on the way to becoming who you are.  And that is when I find myself falling in love all over again.

My Family Rocks

This is, essentially, a prayer and not a good one at that.  Rocks can hurt after all.

First things first.  The artist is Tess, the work carries its own title.  It was created in December of 2008 using eraseable markers and a whiteboard, a present from Noah and Abby.  I am not certain who exactly is in the picture.  Let's vote for Zander, Tess and Abby.  Maybe that's Momer on the skateboard or maybe it's Tess gliding into the foreground.  

Today every piece of tech I touched required a push, shove and kick to get it moving.  The barcodes on my labels decided to print off the edge.  My chart servers wandered in the datashare desert looking for templates.  Even my Mac decided capital letters were a precious commodity and would only let me use them on the first letter of any given word.  If I wanted to type HELL(um)O I had to turn on the caps lock key for the ELL.  My remote desktop lost its connection to the network.  Even Stewart's laptop decided the line out port was just a pretty little hole drilled in the front.  I could probably use it for an incense holder.  It's certainly no good for headphones.  It's very probable this post will explode into shards of broken letters the moment before I push the Publish key.  Who knows?

Today's photo....I haven't forgotten it....is for Carol and Sarah and all you sisters out there who are bound by family but don't really understand what to do about it.  Nothing is so bad you need to be burdened by anger or guilt (you each know to whom I am speaking).  Nothing lasts forever.  The best (and the worst) part about all of this is the more you remember it, the less true the memory will be.  

Let's skip forward 20 years to hmmmm.....Matt's birthday party.  It's this time of year so it could happen.  There we all are hanging out by the indoor pool (this is my fantasy), kids doing all the work.  Maybe there's a great grandkid being passed around.  Maybe someone's pregnant.

That's all it will take to drag out the 'Baby Shower That Wasn't' story.  Carol will remember it as a series of failed promises.  Sarah will remember it as a party where she had everything under control except the invitations.  I will remember it as....well I'll keep that to myself.  I am in enough trouble already for putting this much in writing.  To you future daughters I will say 'Pick your battles like you pick your friends.'  (Kind of a little Zen thing there.)  The most interesting part of the conversation will be what your dad says.  It's a guarantee that it will be something that sets everyone off.

Moving on to more interesting things....Let's record for posterity 'Zannie's Counting Song':

One, Two, Three

Look at me

Four, Five, Six

I'm doin' my kicks

Seven, Eight, Nine

I'm jumpin' fine

Get to Ten 

And we'll start again

Love, Luck and Lollipops to All.....:)TerrySue

Finding You

I looked a long time, across time, below and above time.  I looked in many places, where you weren't, where you hadn't been, where you would never be.  

Upstairs the dogs are barking, lots of nails scraping on wood, an occasional thump.  If you were up there, I am pretty sure you'd let me know.

Downstairs is the hiss of the furnace starting, the background music to NCIS, the click of keys.  If you were down here, I'd see you.

When I find you, I'll know.